What's for Breakfast?
by wsprsndadrk
Summary: The GW boys have an adventure, compliments of Duo


What's for Breakfast?

Wsprs*nda*drk

Somewhere in the distance, a persistent and annoying sound demanded attention. The irritated sleeper shifted under the covers, trying to block out the unmerciful beeping of the alarm clock. Desperate to ignore the hateful noise and drift back into a blissful, tranquil sleep, a pillow was hastily shoved into abused eardrums to no avail. An arm snaked out from beneath the sheets to grope for the blasted clock – but inevitably, it was out of reach. Success denied, the arm retreated, and the figure lay still. The alarm sounded on.

In a groggy and muffled voice that drifted between slumber and wake, the sleepy pilot announced to the room his defeat from beneath the shelter of his blankets.

"Why couldn't have I been born a morning man?"

With that, Duo vaulted the covers from his protesting body and flung the pillow off his cotton-filled head. He immediately winced at the light poring through the window trying to assault his senses. He lay in bed a moment longer flat on his back and spread eagle, wondering once more why he was forcing himself to rise at 7am. With a stern expression and a determined grunt, he ordered his stiff limbs to move. 

On his way to the bathroom, he absent-mindedly pulled at a wedgie, decided to scratch instead, and complained to himself.

"Well. Up early. Maybe I can actually get myself some breakfast before the bomb squad decides it's time to leave. Stupid asses don't realize weekends are meant for relaxing."

Done peeing, he moved to check his image in the mirror – and quickly decided he'd rather not begin the day knowing he looked as bad as he felt. So, combing his fingers through the stubborn strands of hair that escaped the braid during the night, Duo made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen. 

"This better be worth it. Now. What to make?"

Hunting the cupboards, cabinets, pantries, and the fridge, he finally pulled enough together to satisfy his gargantious appetite.

"Ok. Got food. Now, gotta cook it."

His hazy eyes floated over the mess that could only be recognized as a counter by location. He spotted a pan in what must have been the sink that didn't look too used and picked it up. He casually glanced at the pot in his hand and decided whatever was stuck to the edges and bottom would probably add flavor to his eggs. The stuff that came off in his hands he idly wiped on his boxers.

"Eggs shouldn't be too difficult."

He tried to find another pan, and gave up before he really started.

" Ung... I'll just fry the bacon with the eggs."

He turned to the oven, cleared a space for the pot, placed it on a burner and switched it on. He turned to retrieve the eggs from the counter behind him and stepped in something gritty on the floor.

"Oh, man. This is so uncool."

After a moment of hesitation, he determined whatever was on the floor can't be all that bad, and glanced down to see what was sticking to his bare feet.

"Heeeyyy. So THAT'S where the bisquick went."

Happy at his discovery, he bent over to regain some of the floor.He found a plastic baggie on the floor and scooped as much as he could off the linoleum. 

"Yeah. Pancakes!"

Knowing that the probability of finding yet another pot for the pancakes was near impossible, he ignored the clutter around him. Instead, he found an old and mildewy milk box off the floor, and with a grin, realized that there was still milk inside it. With that, he pored the bisquick in the box, cracked and dumped the guts of the egg in as well. Some of the shell followed.

He grabbed a fork from who knows where and mixed the concoction. He looked at the lumpy stew, shrugged, and threw the tonic in with the burning eggs and bacon – and was immediately greeted with a putrid stench and a wash of nauseous smoke.

"Yeah. Breakfast the Duo way."

Dancing around in his boxers and listening to some tune stuck in his head, Duo went about the kitchen tossing whatever was lying around into the pot. For good measure, he checked the trash can to see if there was anything that had mistakenly fallen into the overflowing heap. 

"Eh? What the heck is this?"

He held a bag up to his face to assess the contents. It appeared to be full of green goo.

"Must be the wrapper from the king sized pickle Heero was munching on the other day."

Duo tossed the slimy liquid into the pot and went fishing for more. 

This went on for about twenty minutes. When the pot was over flowing, Duo stopped his hunt and settled down to stir his breakfast as it cooked.

Heero awoke wholly annoyed to a stench he didn't know quite how to describe. There was no possibility of sleeping through that raunchy filth, even through the stacks of protective blankets. 

"Duo. I'm going to kill you."

He pushed the covers off and made his way downstairs.

Duo pushed the newspapers, old laundry, and package of stale cracker jax off the chair and sat down to eat. He saw an old cereal box and began reading the comics on the back. 

Heero walked in to see Duo chuckling and loosing whatever was in his mouth in the process. He didn't even bother trying to hide his revulsion.

"That's really… disturbing..."

Duo looked up, surprised and amused.

"Ya mean there's actually something in this world that _disturbs_ the all mighty Heero Yuy?"

"Everything you do disturbs me, Duo. No one's that happy. It just isn't natural."

Heero bypassed the hurricane of trash and rubbish that littered the kitchen and went purposefully to the fridge. He had staked out a section that was to remain ONLY his, by threat of death. He chose a fresh bottle of orange juice and drank from it deeply, trying to keep his gaze off Duo.

Trowa came pounding down the stairs and into the kitchen. It was almost 8, and he didn't like waking up late. He didn't like waking up to find that his nose hairs were singed, either. He saw Duo and the… whatever it was… he was eating. His jaw dropped and his one visible eye popped from his head from behind the umbrella of hair.

"Duo, that's disgusting."

Duo looked up.

"What?"

When there was no response from Trowa's frozen features, he went back to eating. Trowa looked at Heero who just shook his head.

Quatre got out of the shower. He hadn't been able to sleep with that – smell – permeating the air. He had felt the stink close around him until he felt saturated by it. He had to get that ilk off him, so he had popped into the shower. He just stood there allowing the water to wash over him, eyes drooping, knowing he wouldn't be able to stay secluded in his bathroom all day. When he stepped from the stall, he realized he was right to fear that his escape was but a temporary reprieve as the reek found his nostrils once again. Aggravated, he dressed and went down stairs. And stopped. He hadn't thought his eyes would be more revolted than his nose, but he was wrong.

"Duo…"

Duo looked up. 

"Hey, Quatre!"

"Duo…"

Duo looked puzzled.

"What?"  
"Uh…Never mind."

Duo's eyes followed Quatre as he moved to stand with the others inside the one clean spot in the kitchen. They were all… _looking_ at him.

"WHAT?!"

Their eyes left him to look somewhere behind him slightly to his left.

An irritated voice found its way to his ears.

"Maxwell, only YOU."

Fed up, Duo retaliated.

"Well? How _else _do you expect a guy to find nourishment around here? A man has to adapt or a man will starve."

Satisfied, Duo went back to his…meal.

Wufei snorted.

"Just as long as I don't second you in the bathroom."

Duo looked insulted.

"There's just no love here!"

Duo's eyes lit up as he saw a way out.

"Hey! Re'! You wanna have some?"

Relena looked at Duo, her expression flat and unreadable.

"You… want me… to have… some… of that?"

"Yeah! How 'bout it?"

He held up the fork and the milk carton complete with 'food' for her to accept.

Her lip curled in a cringe and she instinctively stepped back.

"So you can prove to the others that you aren't alone in your insanity? I might get weird cravings, Duo, but I'm _not_ crazy!"

Wufei slugged Duo in the back of the head.

"Really, Maxwell. Trying to hide behind a woman?"

Relena turned her icy gaze toward the offending pilot.

"I don't see YOU eating any, Wufei. And YOU don't have the excuse of being a 'poor, fragile female'!"

Heero tried to suppress a grin.

"And you aren't pregnant, either, Fei."

Trowa hid his smile behind a hand.

"Sounds like a challenge, China man."

Quatre's eyes glittered as they grew wider with anticipation.

"This should be interesting."

Seeing no way out, Wufei resigned himself.

"Alright then, Maxwell. Hand it over."

He reached out to take the fork and carton and tried not to inhale the stench too deeply. Even so, he was rapidly turning green.

Duo just grinned.

"I knew someone would see it my way. Here, knock yourself out."  
Wufei rolled his eyes.

"That's what I'm afraid of."

Everyone leaned in to see the unavoidable conclusion. Seconds ticked by, and World War Nine could have taken place without notice. Wufei was slowly chewing, eyes locked in forward position. He started to sweat. He swallowed. He twitched slightly, but kept a firm fix on his expression. He blinked once. Twice. His body went rigid, then he relaxed. And out of nowhere, his eyes shot open as he vaulted to the door and threw himself onto the grass. Inevitably, sounds of an angry stomach emptying itself of insult could be heard.

Duo just leaned back into the chair, extremely happy with himself. 

"Yeh, yeh. That'll teach him to mess with the God of Death. But, man! For a second I thought he wouldn't buy it! I was afraid my taste buds were totally going to fry!"

Relena looked at Duo from her designated clean spot next to Heero, and then glanced at the abandoned meal. 

"What did you put in that, anyway?"

"Not much. Anti-freeze, Windex, toilet-bowl cleaner, ya know. Just the stuff I could find under the sink and around the kitchen."

Quatre turned to face the braided barbarian. He didn't know what was worse – the stuff from under the sink or the stuff from the kitchen.

"You put all that in there just to get even with Wufei? Duo, it was an accident! He didn't mean to light your hair on fire! You can't even tell it was burned!"

Heero grunted under his breath.

"If you're blind, that is."

Relena jabbed him in the side with her elbow. Heero laughed and swatted her back, changed his mind mid-swat, and grabbed her in a hug instead.

Trowa turned from their teasing to contribute to the conversation.

"Yeah, if you think about it, it was really your fault, Duo. You were the one messing around with the lighter fluid. Wufei was actually trying to keep you _away_ from the BBQ grill."

Duo shrugged and forked his eyebrows.

"No one trusts me around food."

He sighed. As did everyone else.

"But that doesn't matter."

He then grinned evilly and twisted a finger around a singed strand of hair.

"HE had the match. And no one, I mean NO one does the 'do' but Duo!"

Relena managed to fight Heero's advances enough to bring up a good point.

"Don't you think the anti-freeze was taking it a bit far, though?"

Duo looked up at her and proceeded to gift her with a slaphappy smile.

"Naaaaaaa."

Heero sighed. Whatever smell that was coming from the venomous mixture was distracting, and it was giving him a headache.

"Can you get rid of whatever that crap is now that it's served its purpose?"

He had thought Relena's cravings were obscene. But _this_, this was ridiculous. If Duo didn't get morning sickness, he truly was the God of Death. And of Pestilence.

"How can you possibly stomach that?"

He puckered his face as though something sour had found its way into his brain. Relena laughed and poked his cheek, causing his face to snap back into its normal stoic expression.

Duo put his hands behind his head; leaned back further in the chair, closed his eyes, and smiled secretively. 

"I just drank all the robitussin this morning. My mouth is so numb I can't taste a damn thing."

His eyes popped open and the smug expression was replaced by one of meek concern.

"Wufei was right about one thing, though."

Trowa looked up, interested, but Quatre took the bait.

"What's that?"

A loud, rude grumble was heard coming from Duo's general direction. He just placed a comforting hand over his abdomen and forced a grin.

"Stay away from the bathroom for awhile..he he,."

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment.

" Oh, and Relena?"

"Yeah?"

Duo looked at her with pleading eyes.

"You got any of those anti-puke pills left?"

Everyone just held their sides and laughed.


End file.
